The past few days I’ve been thinking about all the things babe has done to make me mad or things that are plain stupid and shit that makes him seem like a fucking pussy. Like it gets me mad. Irritated. Fucking frustrated. But the past is the past and I can’t do anything but to accept it. And I don’t ever want to hold it against him but I just get so irritated and angry. And then I just feel so stupid and useless. I can’t make myself forget about these things. I can’t rely on him at all. For shit to be done, I have to do it myself or he’ll just make me look more stupid. Why do I chose to stay? I just can’t let him go. Even though he’s done me dirty and had me fucked up, there’s something about him. I think of this daily and when I do, I get so angry. And I’m so hurt. Whether its past or present. I’m just so mad at the fact that he let things happen like that or he said stupid shit to make me look less than I am. It makes me furious. I just can’t explain how I feel exactly. I’m just so hurt and he just takes all my pride away when he thinks he’s helping. It just hurts. It hurts me. My feelings are hurt. And I don’t want to blame him for having all this drama in my life but the more I think about it, it’s 50/50. Mines and his fault. My fault for talking shit on twitter. And his fault for still talking to the people that are his “friends” that talk shit about me. Knowing that he still talks to people that talk shit about me hurts. Like Tonya. I never did shit to her in my life. Never once talked about her and she comes out of nowhere calling me a hoe. Nice. I want to go back to being a kid. Fuck growing up. It just hurts way too much to have so many people misjudge you so hurtfully. No one knows how I feel. No one does. Only I know what/how I feel. No one but me.
Honestly, this obstacle came in my way without me being ready for it. Space is what she needs, but remorse is all I feel. I’ve fucked up, but I won’t give up. It went from going so good, to the end. There wasn’t even a downhill. There were obstacles, but we’ve gotten over them. All of a sudden, I run my mouth and shit turns bad. I realized what I said was stupid and I got at you foul, but I need you to know that it wasn’t supposed to be viewed that way, by anyone. I made you feel stupid, I made you feel hurt and I’m sorry. Distance is what you want, but is it what you need. I want you to see it from my point of view, but to you, I don’t mean shit to you right now. One minute you say that we’re in love and that you’ll be with me 5ever. I’m really sorry and even though my words turn out to be bullshit you, my feelings are real and I shall show you with actions. R.I.P my stupidity. I just want us to be unchanged. <3 Raymond Qui Ly.
What a fucking cutie. K, showering now. <3
And when he kissed my lips, I knew I couldn’t let another bitch have him. I would miss him too much if I let go of someone that special to me. I would be the one at fault if I didn’t have him at the end of the day. I would be nothing if I didn’t have him. I would miss those lips just as much as I missed his presence. So I cried.
I’m just about done and I think I’ve reached my limit. I can’t handle this shit anymore.
Okay now. Dhendric is just plain stupid as fuck and he needs to stfu. Seriously. Always talking about the same shit and always saying he’s done and crap. DO I GAF????? NO! Stfu! Damn. If you want her just fucking tell her and if she don’t want to do anything about it then fucking leave. but no you just want a fucking gf so you’re gonna stick around and be a dumbass. Well no one gives a fuck so you can go jack off and play house by yourself. All he fuckign does is lie so people will feel bad for him. That’s all complete bullshit and he can go kiss my ass and act like he’s the good guy. He fucking lied to me and fooled me. That’s fucked up and that’s not loyal at all. Fuck that nigga.
I SWEAR F U! SHIT. It’s not my fucking fault! So don’t fucking yell at me.
It’s just little things that I’ve got to learn to accept. Or maybe I do accept them. I’ve looked past them and I try not to look back but today I did and its like all my anger just came all back. I mean of course I’m not mad at my bb. I just get the “Ew her?” It’s just so crazy. I’m so bi polar. Well it doesn’t bother me, it just like got into my head again. That’s all.
But today or a few minutes ago Eric talked to me on facebook. He was such a rude ass nigga. I swear. And I didn’t give in this time and I told him he was an ass and how fucked up he sounded. And he just covered it up with a “Hahaha iloveyou” Nigga that ain’t gonna cut it. I swear, he’s so rude! And I told him to not hmu anymore, I was being serious. And he said he’ll talk to me later. Really now? I’m just not going to reply from now on. It’s a waste of time and he’s not a factor. I don’t need to put up with his bullshit. I don’t even know why I replied in the first place. I shouldn’t have. My fault.
I always have to do everything on my own. And yet my parents still complain. Always asking me why the fuck I go here and there and I always go out. I go out because I have to do my OT Hours for Leadership. I barely go out anyways. I always have to have my own support and motivation. They don’t give any of that shit. I ask them to come watch me perform, they don’t even want to come. They only came once, I guess that’s good enough. I want to do dancing, I get no support. I want to do volleyball, I get no support. I want to learn how to fucking swim, and no one’s really willing to go with me into the pool and help me out and tell me how I’m suppose to do it. I want to fucking drive and no one’s willing to take me to get a fucking book so I can study and learn the things I need to know. I’m trying my best here and nothing’s ever good enough. All they do is complain and never even tried to help me out. They just tell me what to do and what I can’t do. But what if what they want me to do, I can’t do it? It’s just so fucking frustrating. Don’t want to take me shopping, then just say so. Don’t come up with lame excuses of “Why you always go there?” or “You wanna go shopping with all these kids?!” I didn’t ask to go right now. I just asked if you could take me. You could have said, “I’ll take you when dad gets home to watch the kids.” Like whatever. It’s just so annoying and they put so much pressure on me. They don’t want to take me places and yet they don’t want to get me a car. I always have to get everything done by myself and I always have to ask constantly over and over just to get it done. They restrict me from everything! No phone, no internet, no freedom. I can’t ever have something good going on for a long time because they always find stupid excuses to take it all away from me. I get so fucking frustrated and tired of it. I hate it so much. I seriously can’t wait until I get out of high school.
BOOO! I’m such a boring person. In my fifth and sixth, I don’t even talk to anyone…I feel like I come off as a weird person.
5th: I just don’t fit in very well with those people but I make the best of it. I mean, I have friends in that class but we’re just not close enough to crack jokes with or make a full on conversation.
6th: It is so awkward sometimes! I sit in the front corner and I’m just there by myself. And like everybody talks and stuff but I’m the onyl quiet one. I’ll probably say a few sentences but that’s about it. And I just do my work and sit there quietly. Last term I use to talk all the time and get in trouble. This term is just so different now. I just really don’t know what’s wrong with me sometimes.
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so quiet and awkward. I try but it doesn’t work. And hten sometimes I’m just hella talkative and I can’t stop talking. Oh gosh, what am I going to do?!
It’s kind of like, what does she have that I don’t? Or she’s hella prettier than me. LIKE HELLA. Guys are so easy to fall for someone even if it’s just for a moment or a couple minutes or seconds or whatever. And once they’re thing goes up, they think with their penis not their head. Well, that’s just what I think. Most guys are like that in general. Just thoughts.
